Today, my MS won

I’m Sorry Kate;Vday5 today, my MS won.

Dress rehearsal for the play I’m performing in, “The Vagina Monologues” was today. I was STOKED! I’ve been practicing my script everywhere! I’ve recited it for my beautician, my doctor, and the lady at the dry cleaners. I’m taking it to the GROCERY STORE next! I am reeeea-dy!

I get to rehearsal and…You Want Me To WHAT? You want me to DANCE! Ugh…yeah. I know I told you I would when you called me on Tuesday, but not THIS! I don’t know WHAT the hell I was thinking.

When I walk into rehearsal there are women shaking their bottoms all around me; from Emma who is 9, to Angela who is 69! They’re learning and teaching the dance to each other, and having a blast.

“Break the Chain” dance video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fL5N8rSy4CU

Now, what Kate asked me to do on Tuesday was this: will you dance just some? You can join in with us on the “cha, cha, cha”, and then do your own thing in place while we do the rest. When I saw all of the activity that would be going on around me, I freaked. Just standing there, I would stick out so much. I might as well be “pole dancing” in the middle of the floor!

I want to say I’m sorry Kate, because I:

  1.  sat around and pouted
  2.  started a coupe with 2 of the other girls to revolt and not dance, and then…
  3.  (this is the big one) answered you with a “hell no” when you simply asked me, “do you think you can get Kevin to help with this part?”

I don’t even think I said it (the hell no) loud, but, the room F-R-O-Z-E! I looked at the 3 little girls in the room with a, gasp; and YES, they had heard me! They were frozen little statues, staring right at me! Then one of them said, “Oh shoot! I’ve heard worst then that! and with that, the dancing and the chatter commenced. All except Kate’s face had gone back to normal. It was stuck on, shock, frustration and disappointment.

You see, Kate is our director; she is nothing but, talented, sweet, and kind. In return, she deserves nothing but the same; and on my good days, that’s all I offer. THIS was a very bad day; I took it out on Kate and, I’m sorry.

This was one of those times when having an “invisible” disease is problematic. When we started rehearsals several weeks ago, I was just coming off of using my cane. Kate saw very little of it; and probably doesn’t notice my extremely careful gait. How could she? I work very hard to look normal; like everyone else. In the beginning, I always did my monologue from a chair… no one else did. Now, I stand to do my monologue TOO. What Kate doesn’t know, is that a strong wind would knock me over, or…make me dizzy. More realistically; a sharp turn, a dark room, an uneven floor, or…lots of women dancing very close and all around me. That would do the trick. It wasn’t until I got home that I realized, what had thrown me into such a foul mood. Not Kate or the dancers. It was me being blindsided once again, by my MS with its very subtle nudge. “Remember me. All the pretending in the universe and you won’t be able to do THIS; or even, play it off! You lost your cool, the whole room saw it, and froze.” Today…my MS won.

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4 Comments

Filed under Mental Well-Being, MS and Domestic Violence, Stress Management

4 responses to “Today, my MS won

  1. Carol Broughton

    No matter what one goes through, there are bad days. Put it behind you. Only YOU know your limitations — yes limitations. That doesn’t mean that you are “giving in” to MS. It means that you know what you can and cannot do. Why not share with others that you have MS. Make it an educational moment. Would you have rather have tried and fallen? It seems that you are in a battle with MS. I know that I can’t begin to know how you feel, but instead of fighting MS, live with it. Stop beating yourself up. You are human. You are NOT super woman. MS didn’t win, you simply had a bad day!

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  2. Russell

    Guess u have to remember that old B-ball cheer. Skegee Tigers We Can! We Must! We Will !

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  3. Ahhh! The memories 🙂

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  4. Carol, you are right, and I usually keep it in perspective. I do self analyze I lot, but only to learn and get better. I was reminded this day, to get enough REST, and not to over commit. Those things would not have taken away the “dance” incident, but I’ve learned that those things help me cope better.
    Why then, am I SO SLOW? When we actually performed the play, I was on my cane all weekend; progressively worse from Fri. to Sun. I went to bed Thurs. and Fri. after 12, and then on Sunday, I stayed up til 7AM!
    Our last performance is this weekend and I’m going to try to do everything better. 🙂

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