Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past and present.
We had been together 24/7 since Monday, and that’s three days…we needed a break. He left in a huff, and I was relieved to see him go…ANYwhere! Kyle and I did some work around the house; me, too much, but it felt good after being idle for so many days. Hurricane Sandy had hit the East Coast with a vengeance. We didn’t know it then, but we were only three days in, to seven days of no electricity or HEAT.
He came home to take us to see the movie “Cloud Atlas” with only 20 minutes til show time. This meant, he’d drive like a bat out of hell, and it would give me that sick and dizzy feeling. I didn’t want to complain, or be a “stick in the mud”, so I went into the other room, out of sight and announced, “you guys should go, I’m gonna stay home!” Instead of saying okay and leaving, which is what I wanted him to do, he came into the room where I was, as if he hadn’t heard me. When I tried to go the other way, I stumbled and he caught me. “He said,” what’s wrong, do you not feel well?” “No I don’t. (voice cracks…dammit!) I’ve been wobbly all day, especially this evening. I did too much.” I start crying. He moves in slow and gently, puts his face next to mine and whispers, “its okay…we’ve got time. We’ll go slowly”. I say, “No, we don’t, that’s just it. We’ll be rushed, and I can’t do that. There’s not enough time, which means you’ll drive fast, dropping me off at the curb. I’ll have to rush in, buy tickets and get seats. I’ll be all by myself, you’ll be parking. No, you guys just go.” Not crying anymore, and in a convincing voice I repeat, “You guys just GO”.
He says” but, we’ve got Kyle” and I am suddenly filled with thoughts of our daughter. I say, “But he doesn’t understand!” She would be there, without hesitation, explanation or embarrassment. Now, he says with certainty, “we’ll MAKE him understand”.
It becomes clear now. Kyle didn’t understand because he had never seen me like this. When they were younger, we always managed without involving the kids. I’m sure it was to protect them, or so we thought. We did things so that I didn’t need their help. This current relapse has been the worse to date. When it really got into full swing, Kyle had moved out. He was just with us now, because of the hurricane. His sister however, had been here through it all. Kevin was right…we just needed to explain to him exactly what I needed…make him understand. Kyle was a novice, and a little unsure of himself; but with just a bit of guidance, we were off.
Movie Review: The movie was, very thought provoking, with a complex plot; the kind that I will need to see again to fully grasp. The basic concept was that the universe exists in parallel layers. We enter those layers at different times and as different people throughout time…hence, the experience of deja vu. Kevin and Kyle give it thumbs up.
My reality; if I’m lucky, I’ll live to be MUCH older. I’ll need my family even more. It’s taken me a long time to get to this point of acceptance. It’s only fair that I give my children the same kind of “processing” time.
As far as the movie goes, I’m open; but for now I’m still working to connect the, past, present, and future in THIS layer of the Universe.
I also had a conversation with myself about relaxing. I didn’t want to burden anyone by being needy. I also didn’t want to bring everyone down by whining and feeling sorry for myself! So, I flipped a switch in my head. Instead of dwelling on the fact that, it was late, I’d need help, my daughter wasn’t home and I hate my husband’s driving; I simply counted my blessings. My husband love’s me and is a selfless caregiver. My kids have both grown to be wonderful, compassionate young adults, and, who gives a shit if we’re late to a movie.
“Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others, past, and present. By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future.” ~Cloud Atlas~
COMMENTS and THOUGHTS: How has needing others affected you? How has being needed, affected others in your life?
Did you see this movie, or read the book? What did you think?