Tag Archives: Denial

MS: “Denial or Determination?”

I’ve shrouded myself in denial since I was first diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 1994.denial You know: I can do blah, blah, blah, because I’m really not that sick, and when that didn’t work, sheer determination was used. And I know I am not alone. So how are we MSers to know when this approach of denial or determination no longer works for us? Confession: my brain told me early on that this new job of school bus driver would be too much, but my heart said, “No”. My heart said, “Keep going, look at all of the ways that its been good for you. Everything will be fine. Give it more time, and whatever you do…don’t quit.” Well, at the end of the day, my brain won. My heart was a punk and simply gave in…literally.

Due to my heart “thing,” Takotsubo, described in my (click here) last post…I had to make the decision to resign from my new “almost job” effective immediately. I say “almost” because I was still in the training phase and was JUST about to move on. THEN, I would have been a school bus driver. Truth is, my Takotsubo was a gift. It took the decision regarding whether I could handle this level of stress out of my hands. I’d worked for the last 5 months changing every aspect of my life so that I could re-enter the work force. This, evidently, was not the best portal.

Listening to our bodies is the answer to the first question asked: How are we to know when the strategy of denial/determination is no longer working for us? If you’re not paying attention, or if you don’t trust yourself and your feelings, then maybe your body will yell at you like mine did.

It’s time to get back out there with a new sense of determination. determinationI’ve learned that not giving up means not settling for one or the other. It’s whatever works best at the time. As long as I’m listening to my body, I don’t ever have to decide.

COMMENTS: Have you found yourself reaching a goal due to either of these strategies? Have you found yourself attempting to reach a goal and ultimately having to give up? Did you start with something new? How did you do that?

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Part 2: MS and Genetics

Part 2: MS and Genetics
“A Conversation with Myself”
It’s crumbling, right here, right now, right before my eyes. This wall of denial I’ve taken 20 years to build to protect us, just like that… gone. She sat there, my baby, vulnerable and frightened, looking at me.
In that moment I was free from all fear. It was liberating, as though fear had been a monkey on my back and now it was gone. I sat up taller, chest further out…why? I knew instantly that from hiding behind my denial…not facing the fear; I was left weakened and controlled by it. Now, no longer able to use denial as a cover, I became empowered, and yes… my baby was watching me. So FUCK YOU MS! Yeah you’re bigger than me and you present LOTS of challenges, but with each one you give me another opportunity to show my baby strength, courage, dignity, grace and humility. Just a few of the things my mother taught me.
So, no MS, not fuck you…thank you (in a twisted sort of way).

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